And yet... it ends

I'd rather have my heart broken and fixed between your hands millions of times, than have it caressed for as long as I might live between any other's.

Okay, basically the first 3/4 was not written on a sunny day...
"As I've always said, humans are scared of their own feelings, they've been brought up to a reality that frames feelings as though they'd only hurt, like the only feeling that is available on earth is pain. But pain is good, pain reaffirms your existence. Pain teaches you how to appreciate peace of mind and serenity, this might sound so cliche, but take it from me; pain does. Everyone should stand up for their right to feel their own pain. Pain carries you no evil.
And now, despite saying all that, I'm in denial. I became the world's greatest trusting doubter. And I know that numbing this pain for a while will make it worse when I finally feel it. I know that if I let it get me, I'll feel much more relief once it's gone, but I'm scared and you stopped being there and I stopped being myself..
'Congratulations, you lost a friend!', one among the many thoughts I wake up to. And it's not the person that almost came between us or how I lost her, it's the fact of loss that hurts and I refuse to feel it. I'm scared that it might be so strong it could kill me. I find my comfort in you, but I can't make you comfortable when I'm not and you can't make it feel any better.
You refuse to put yourself in my shoes, you refuse to think about losing a friend. You know it hurts and you also know it's as mush as to kill, so you're in denial; you're in denial that I'm hurt.
'And she just stopped making him happy..' I can't help but showing the cold face, I'm afraid if I start crying I wouldn't stop. I'm afraid my emotions get grip of me. I lost -the trust-. I lost trust that I could stop crying if I start. I lost trust that you'd help me stop. I'm not sure the way I became would make you willing to comfort me because I made you lack comfort yourself.
I am afraid to realise how much mess we've been dragged into. I am afraid to realise what a 17 year old emotional wreck I've become.
I never knew losing a friend would be so hard, i never knew it would need so much time to heal the pain it caused, and it never occurred to me that I'd be scared to feel the pain, so that it would fade.. I know I'm mistaken-ed and I know I shouldn't let anything get in the way of you and me, but I can't help it. At the time I needed tenderness and comfort myself, you needed them too, so it was all double the effort, I had to supress it all inside. I was scared you wouldn't understand, you'd think I don't care and I put it all aside till it became a simpley complicated piece of utter human pain.
'The day I let her go was not because I stopped loving her, it was because she stopped being a friend.' She was my bestfriend, I wanted her to be there on our wedding day, I wanted her to help me bring up our children and I definitely wanted her to be the crazy menopause-ing woman I'd go shopping with and yet she hurt me. She stabbed me in the back and she wanted to strip me off you. And I know that what we share is the greatest healer of all, but it takes time to get better and if i take more than my time, it's because it's no longer me and her, it never was, it's you and me; and that's where I need to make sure no wounds are open. I know you think I should hate her, but I don't do hatred. I might not want her being in my life anymore, but I miss the existance, I miss the bestfriend I could call at 4 am and find out that she knows exactly what is wrong with me even if it was just me carried away with some Grey's Anatomy trash!! I just miss the existance. I miss it so much and I do not want to meet up with the true realisation of how much I do. I know that it would hurt and I don't want to feel the pain. I've become what I'd never thought I'd be. I'm scared of what once I fought to feel.
'I never asked for a forever, all I asked for was to love unconditionally with no recognition of time.' We already miss out on so many things in each other's lives. So why are we letting each other miss even more?
All I'd ever want is to make you comfortable and content. I know it's not easy, and I know it's not that simple, but please tell me everything will work out fine. You can't be numb, we can't both me. I need you to shake me on the inside, and hold my hand on a journey to find out the missing piece, better said, the piece we lost or that should be changed by now.. Isn't this the moment where one of us is supposed to go like 'this is ridiculous, all couples go through that, we love each other, we should never stop trying'?
I never want to make reasons for you to stay, only reasons to make you always return. You said I had it all in my hand, between those fine lines carefully drawn down my palms, you said that's where you want to stay lost forever, and I pray you never find your way.
'By the time you realise what you're losing, there'd might still be time to save it..' We had it once, we can always get it back, there are certain things in life worth living for, one of them is what we have. Please don't take that away from me. What hurts now is; everything I've said, to try and make it work has been misunderstood.
'In the beginning and only the beginning...' In the beginning there were times when you were there when I needed you most, when I knew that I could rely on you and not cause you a slight discomfort as you've promised that I've done enough to keep you comfortable for the rest of our lives. Not that I was taking this fact for granted or anything, I just had it behind my back, knowing it won't let me fall, but I was wrong. Now I'm afraid to tell you what's on my mind you'd get me wrong or end up in me causing you any dis-ease. I remember when we used to talk about the future with voices filled with hope and now all the hope turned into predicted facts. Not that I'm not happy that it all became part of our factual plans. I just miss the hope. I miss the passion. I miss waking up to a message pouring with love. I miss the simple words you now find very hard to say or not even worth it. I miss you.
I could now keep on writing till words become obsolete just to show you many faces of how it feels you'd make sure I could make it right. All I need is a push. All I need is a reminder about the plans you once craved for. I need a hint that you'd die to make it to the destination we're heading for just like I do. All I really need is a glimpse that shows me you still care despite the ground we've reached. I need you to show that you'd never stop believing and you'd never let numbness take over you.
There's no loss like us apart. You know that neither of us can afford that. I smile when I tell people that you're mine, you can't take that away from me.
'I've made it through alot..' I've always had his love to count on through it all, now I'm almost alone and I can barely drag myself to another day. I became a walking open wound, better said, a trophy display of bruises, wounds that sealed, but the mark shall always remain. And only you know how to make these marks fade. Impossible as it might seem to many others, you know perfectly how to caress each wound on it's own till the memory of it fades as well.
'Somewhere someone is looking for exactly what i have to offer.' I've been saying this since I was 13 and here you are, perfectly fitting with all that I could give. And when I lose my ground, I remember you're my reason to stay, don't drag the ground from beneath my feet, please.
This is true, and that means that whatever happens, no matter how far the distance between us becomes, we'll be stretching our bridges, to always reach a compromise.
Just as I was doubting it all, I went through old pages of my journal and I found this written on the 4th of March 'I love being with you. I don't have to work hard to impress anyone… you know all my faults. I can cry in front of you, and you'll just hold me until I stop… or I can laugh so hard I cry… and you'll laugh with me until we're both crying. And it's perfect. How sometimes we don't have to say anything. Just being together is enough. Even though we know everything about each other, we still never run out of things to talk about. You're always there for me, whether to hold me or laugh with me. You've been with me through everything and I can't imagine ever not having you in my life. I love having you in my life.' I know you wouldn't let that change. Not now. Not ever."

Love was just a word until you put it into a definition...